Postcards : Jaipur

A little peak into the 2 week trip I took to my birthplace Jaipur, India & all that it entailed. 
Wedding, temples, shopping and monuments.

Judgement and Updates

This might be a really wordy and boring post for many readers but I'm learning not to do things to please others, but rather, to realise that sometimes doing what makes me happy is more important. 
Not gonna lie, it was pretty difficult putting up my "18 things I've learned at 18" post up (my last post).  I’ve never really used this platform to publish personal content, I mostly just post arbitrary rants and photos I've taken but none of that is personal and even the poetry is often posted long after it's been written so I'm usually no longer in that headspace or it isn't that personal to me anymore as I would've moved on from feeling that way. 
However, I got a lot of positive feedback on that post and it was really encouraging, especially because I did it regardless of how unsure I was about posting it but I knew I had wanted to do it for a while and so I just went for it. 
I find it absurd that I still cannot get past the whole "what others might think" mindset because I really did think that moving away and living alone in a completely new place would almost reinvent me. When I was back in Perth, I used to watch this YouTuber that had moved away from home and lived alone in Japan. Watching her content made me really happy because she was posting these videos of her just cooking and talking to the camera as if she was talking to a friend and when I watched her I convinced myself that when I moved out, because I’ll no longer be living in what I consider my hometown or be surrounded by people from school who know me or by anyone who might have anything to say about my work, I won’t feel a sense of judgment, or I won’t feel this pressure to be ashamed about my content or what I want to post because I’ll be away, living on my own, being my own person and doing things how I want them. But moving here, really disappointed me in myself because I still don’t have that confidence. I am still afraid of judgment or people talking about my posts and making fun of them that it holds me back so much from expressing myself creatively and doing what I want.
Subconsciously, in my head, I had made up this idea that moving away from home and into a new city equals moving away from myself and into a new mindset and brain. But no, my fears and thinking followed me here too and now I’m not only still afraid of how people back home will judge me, but also all the new people who I've met here. And it honestly sucks so much. It sucks that I cannot be my own person and write down my thoughts and feelings. That I cannot post content without fear. Like the fact that in the greater scheme of things, all I'm doing right now is typing out my thought process. Why is that so difficult to do? Why do people judge? Does everyone not have concerns and streams of consciousness? I don't know, its just quite frustrating and I'm angry at myself and others. 

1. My BTS obsession has reached new levels, but listen to The Truth Untold and Tear: Outro from their new album and then read the English lyrics, please. They're stunning. 
2. I currently have exams going on, thus the sudden motivation to get back into blogging lol, a great form of procrastination 
3. I'll be going back to Perth soon 
4. Will also be going back to India 
5. Might be getting my first tattoo soon and I'm stoked (also slightly scared) but I'm not going to say what I want yet or where hehe
6. I have a lot of conflicting feelings right now about some aspects of my life that I've never felt confident with, and I'm trying to approach it logically this time but it has been very difficult and I often wish I could step outside this box that is my mind and not have to deal with these issues but I also know that if I don't do something about it, I'll never really be happy. 
7. Cannot wait to join the gym once I'm back from holiday, I'm so ready to get back into running and stuff it really takes my mind off of stuff and I just feel relaxed afterwards
8. Looking forward to some vain shopping and pamper trips as soon as I'm back home 
9. Excited to see my friends!!!
10. For the past week the only time I've left my house is to go do the groceries once and go to my exam, and other than that I've been at home and not met a real human in 7 solid days and it's taking a toll on me but also I feel oddly at peace. I might be going insane. 
11. I really really really want to figure everything out and be over with it and be happy (continuation from point 6) 
12. I ate dark chocolate just then and I kinda feel gross ugh 
13. The weather here is so unpredictable smh 
14. I have Ariana Grande's No Tears Left To Cry stuck in my head and I don't know how I feel about that. 
15. There is much more on my mind other than this, but again, judgment. This was a start though. 
16. My heated blanket is too hot right now, but also if I turn it down it's going to be cold
17. It's 1:37 pm and I need to sleep so I can get up tomorrow and get my ass to the library to study (It's not going to happen, I'm calling it right now) 
Some recent updates:
18. Gave myself some ear piercings

19. Sort of figured out and worked on my 'conflicting feelings' from points 6 and 11. Don't have much else to say on that right now, it's still an ongoing process, however. 
20. Took myself to my first ever solo dinner date and I feel accomplished. I'm learning to enjoy my solitude. 
21. I have this sudden urge to get back into photography
22. My left eye is furiously twitching 
22. Back home in less than 2 days!! (I've mentioned Perth quite a lot but it felt weird to end this post on the note that my eye is twitching.)
Another set of recent updates because I keep putting off publishing this post and time keeps flying by and things keep happening:
23. I'm back in Perth and my heart is so full 
24. Been having some great quality time w/ family and friends
25. Perth sunsets never disappoint 
26. I'll be in India in less than a week!
27. I worked on some poetry on the flight and although it not my best piece of work in terms of vocabulary and doesn't have that wow- factor, I'm just pleased that I finally got myself to write some more as it's been so long and I utilised my time on the flight so well (I really hate flights lol) 
28. I'm really proud of how I've dealt with my mental health this month, props to me. 
29. Caitlin, if you're reading this, just wanna say I love u so much dude. I just appreciate our friendship so much <3 
30. I'm excited to post my poetry(I feel the need to add a 30th update cause it doesn't feel right leaving it off at 29) 

18 things I've learned by 18

I turned 18 about a month ago and this post has been in my draft, incomplete for a while now so I finally decided to sit down and finish it (as a form of procrastination because I really don’t feel like completing my assignment right now). Anyway, for my birthday I traveled back to Perth to be with family and friends and they spoilt me rotten. I had a great time and am forever grateful for them.

I wanted to do this post for my 17th as well, but when I sit down to write a list of things that I feel like I’ve learned about myself over the years, I can never really pin anything down or jot it down as dot points.
Of course, I’ve learned a lot over my first 18 years here but I think I was just concerned about how raw and real I can be on here. It took me a while to finally compile a list and some of it might not make that much sense but here’s what I’ve got. Also, it 
just felt kind of awkward to be addressing to myself but I had already written about half the post and I haven't posted in a while so I figured I might as well.

1. You enjoy being independent. That shouldn’t make you feel selfish. You are your own person and to take time out for yourself and to enjoy your own company, you are allowed to do that.

2. Give yourself some credit. You're always too focused on what you could've achieved, rather than what you already have. 

3. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself. You would think that you’ve learnt this by now, but you still have a hard time distancing yourself from the toxicity of some people because you fear isolation. But the company of those you put you down and don’t make you feel great about yourself is far shittier than your solitude.

4. You’re capable of doing so much. You have so much potential!! Sometimes you give up too easily and that stops you from growing. If you have the capability, put it to use.

5. It’s a bad day, not a bad life. And I know that’s a cliché thing to say but honestly just cry it out, talk to someone about it, get some closure. I promise, you’ll get over it.

6. Let yourself feel but don’t force it upon yourself. You can find it hard to process emotions but don't ponder over it.

7. Don't let what happened in the past dictate what will or must happen in the future. Not all circumstances and people will be replicas of those you've experienced or encountered. Don't shy away from opportunities and people because you think it will just turn out the same way again. Stop waiting for something bad to happen so that you can say "told you so". Why are you doing that to yourself? You always assume the worst but you know it's never that bad.

8. Everything will work out in the end. What you’re worrying about now, won’t even matter in a days or months. Everything will fall into place.

9. Stop caring about what people will think or say. Literally no one has the time. Everyone is so involved within their own lives.

10. People want to be around you. I know your anxiety plays into every aspect of your life, but if people stick by you and you want their company and friendship, don’t push them away. They are there because they want to be, no one is forcing them.

11. Speak up, in class, for others and for yourself. I know you say some dumb things mouth, but mostly your ideas and thoughts are pretty relevant and interesting. Stop being afraid.

12. Stop comparing yourself to the 'ideals'- how you should look, what you should be doing, what you should’ve accomplished by a certain age. Stop caring so much about how you’ll regret not doing some things and that when you’re older you want to make sure you can look back and say you did that. It just puts you in a bad space because no matter what, with that mindset you’ll never be satisfied or feel fulfilled. So just live in the moment and take things as they come.

13. Relationships you have with people in your life right now are the best they’ve ever been. although it might be negative to thing to think of it as temporary, just remember that in this moment you are so happy and so blessed. Cherish it and do your absolute best to keep it this way.

14. Do not give up on your blog and creative outlets. They make you so happy and make you feel accomplished. and even though you often question what the point of it is or why you even do it when you don’t receive the expected reactions, you should remember that you do a lot of this for yourself, not to please others. Numbers and stats don’t matter half as much as the feeling you get when you write and create.

15. Think in the long term. You are a very indecisive person that constantly craves change and you make too many decisions based on your immediate emotions. You cannot let that dictate your actions anymore. Think before you act on something because what you want right now might satisfy you temporarily but you will regret it late on, on a much greater scale.

16. You have to go out of your way to make things happen, for yourself. It’s the only way it will work. If YOU want it, YOU have to act upon it.

17. Stop! Feeling! So! Damn! Guilt! All! The! Goddamn! Time! For! Existing!

18. You're only 18 and you have a lot more learning to do. Remember that what you’re feeling today about something or someone, you might not even feel tomorrow so don’t get caught up in one way of being. Keep an open mind but be realistic. 

This was not the easiest post I've published as it was quite raw and personal but I have another blogpost coming up with me talking about that and other things that've been on my mind. 
I've just slacked a lot on my upload rate and although I don't think anyone else cares, I've let myself down quite and will get back to writing a bit more. Do a little more to make myself happy you know. 

Getting Published!

 Accidental Encounters was published on hardcopy!
It's been nearly a month now since it was published but I haven't had the time to talk about it on my blog yet but I just wanted to come on here and share some photos and say thank you to everyone who reads my posts and supports me. Having my work published on print and being able to hold it has been on my bucket list for a long time and I'm so overjoyed, it doesn't feel real. I wrote Accidental Encounters when I was going through a really tough time in my life last year. It's around this time that I started to just write my feelings out as they flowed through me and then I would go back over them in a few weeks and edit it, putting them into phrases and structuring them. I remember I finished editing Accidental Encounters during study period in high school around August or September and told Aneesha that this was one work I was really proud of. I had poured my soul into it and turned a shitty situation into art and it made me feel good about self. And now it's here, on print and it just means so so much to me. I'm excited to keep creating and growing, I still have many creative goals to achieve and I'm looking forward for all that's to come! Once again, thank you for all the support!


“Write new blogpost” has been on the top of my to -do list for the past 3 weeks, and I haven’t even gotten around to make a start on it, until now. I feel like I say this often, and if that is the case (which it is, I don’t know why I keep trying to prove and then disprove my point lol?) then I’m here to say it again - I’ve been very busy and a lot has happened since my last ‘rant style/ update’ post. I think it’s fair to say however, that this is the busiest I’ve ever been in my life.

Let me just give you a quick summary in bullet points
  • After graduating high school, I had the best few month chilling w/ friends and making memories
  • I got accepted into a university in Perth and was set on the idea
  • I got accepted into a university in Melbourne, with a better course
  • I defer my Perth uni degree and accept my Melbourne offer
  • I move to Melbourne- completely alone, I know no one in this city, not a single soul 
  • I attend university gatherings, parties, orientations etc. meet some of the best people ever
  • Found an apartment and moved in 
  • Started university (majoring in journalism and minoring in psychology, w/ literature and human behaviour as electives)
  • The work load is fucking insane + I’m not sure about some of my classes
  • I’m trying to maintain my relationships with my friends and family back at home
    trying to make friends here
    saying yes to as many opportunities as possible in order to meet new people and settle
    simultaneously trying to complete about 5 hours of university pre-reading per day
    also attending the on- campus uni lectures and tutorials
    going grocery shopping, doing my laundry, cooking for myself etc. just chores around the house
    trying to get 7+ hours of sleep
    maintain my blog + YouTube
  • I’ve become a mess 
  • But I don’t mind it

Other than that, some thoughts (basically petty complaints and other observations I have made)
  • The new KitKat x pretzel collaboration is absolutely rank (wouldn’t recommend at all yuck)
  • I tried out a new brand of green tea and it’s so weak I’m very disappointed 
  • More plants are needed in the apartment + my space doesn’t feel mine yet
  • Bought a mat and I overestimated its size and now I have this piece of pink fabric on my kitchen floor that supposed to soak up water but it looks silly (at least the colour is pretty) 
  • I keep forgetting to take my vitamins
  • I thought I’d enjoy the process of walking down to the grocery store and looking around and picking out the items, but I HATE it. It’s probably the worst chore out of all the ones I have to do. Also, they don’t even have trollies?! I have to always carry around this basket, with like 10kg worth of veggies and stuff and it’s so stressful carrying them all back
  • Keeping a diary has saved my life
  • Jane Austen rambles on about the same points over and over, 15 pages of her rambling can all be condensed into 2 I tell you.
Honestly throughout this whole journey it’s never once felt ‘real’. I continuously feel like I’m just floating and time is just passing by me and things are just happening, nothing truly feels real. If you ask me to reencounter the above-mentioned dot points in detail, I wouldn’t be able to do so as they are nothing more than just that, dot points, to me. The past few weeks hold so much value and meaning in my life and my growth, but regardless of their importance I feel nothing. It’s like I don’t have the ability to form or comprehend emotions anymore. There is a literal void in me, like a black hole where all these memories and feelings are just being dumped, never to be endured. I think the only way I can really make sense of it at this point is through the word that may be somewhat obvious- ‘surreal’. I think I’ve wanted all this for so long and dreamed of it for so many years, that now that it is finally happening, it still just feels like a dream. I know this can sound very cliché, especially referring to it as a “dream”, but that word itself, I don’t mean it in an ambitious manner, I mean literally like a dream that you wake up from, and know your mind created it as subconscious hallucinations.
It’s quite an uneasy position to be in and I worry that I will constantly be in this state and not be able to align my true emotions with my experience, and therefore never be able to truly live and soak in all that’s around me.

There is no real conclusion to this and other than the fact that I am eternally grateful and truly happy right now with how everything is playing out.